In honor of National Adoption Awareness Month, here’s a look at semantics on the subject. And if you’re wondering how this piece fits into a work/life legacy blog, the last paragraph is all-inclusive to humanity. Plus, almost everyone is touched at least indirectly by adoption, by knowing someone (who knows someone) who is affected by the adoption triad. (And it’s always a good reminder to know that language equals power, so we need to choose our words carefully.)

I’ve known I am adopted for almost as long as I’ve known my name. Saying “I’m adopted,” is easy for me. Thanks to my sweet and loving parents, I’ve always felt special, chosen, legitimate (’cause they told me I was special—and chosen). The few times I’ve questioned my “authenticity” or wondered if maybe I did have something to feel ashamed about came as a result of other people’s misperceptions or attitudes of adoption or adoptees.

My parents surely felt upset, or at least cheated when birth parents used to be referred to routinely as the “real” or “natural” parents. (As if “adoptive” parents are “fake” or “unnatural”?) Such language could be argued as semantics, but for me it goes deeper than that. Words are powerful symbols. A fellow adoptee said it best: “They are not my ‘adoptive’ parents; they’re my parents. … A parent is someone who is there when you need them, through the good and bad times. Giving birth to someone doesn’t make you a parent.” It’s not the use but overuse of qualifiers that threaten to understate or wrongly label our parent/child relationships.

When I was in elementary school, a girl asked me if I knew what a bastard was. She then shared that “illegitimate children are bastards.” I was more outraged than hurt, and ran to my dictionary when I got home. She had to be mistaken! A bastard was somebody mean, bad—a terrible, awful person. But staring back at me from my World Book Dictionary was bastard: 1. a child whose parents are not legally married to each other; illegitimate child. 2. figurative. anything inferior or not genuine, especially anything of bad or spurious origin. 3. slang. an especially unpleasant, disliked, and usually unscrupulous person. Actually, I didn’t get to number 3. Tears blurred my vision. It was the first time I ever questioned my sense of worth. Was I inferior? After all, that’s what the dictionary stated. (And of course this means I previously had heard and knew that I, by definition, was “illegitimate”; otherwise, I never would’ve made the associated leap to bastard.)

That scene took place years ago. Multiple family situations abound now, domestic and international adoption are more prevalent and less cloaked in secrecy, and people are more sensitve, right? Nope. People are more aware, but it seems as if many people are less tolerable. They’re definitely less diplomatic.

The girl in the above incident wasn’t trying to be cruel; she was just sharing a new curse word she’d learned. Fast forward: A co-worker at the newspaper where I worked early in my career, a editor who was supposed to be discerning “red flag” words (“illegitimate” was one; to be replaced by “out of wedlock”), made a crass statement about “illegitmate children, the little bastards.” This time I didn’t question my self-worth; I questioned him. But he was steadfast in his opinion, regurgitating a belief he’d acquired. “But they are,” he repeated. “Illegitimate,” though less used now, remains on the forefront of some tongues and attitudes.

The old attitude and word seem to reignite when it’s budget time or a new research study comes out or politicians are enthralled in debates over welfare. That last one is especially tricky, when people dare to classify viable families from financially invalid ones, and then define children by their parentage. Completely apart from any intended message, what must be questioned is their language and underlying positions and beliefs. Forget about how thought-provoking direct messages or study results may be—the intent sometimes gets overshadowed and lost amid condescending, condemning language.

“Illegitimate” is much more than an unpleasant word. It carries with it a nasty, sour ring. And the people it affects the most are the children involved. Children have no say-so in their parentage, yet they are labeled with a negative, derogatory word that not only implies, but by definition (and often, a deeper opinion) says that they are “less than.” As soon as they are born, what should be every person’s birthright is voided, taken away: their title of genuineness. If “illegitimate” was just a word, it could be ignored. But the attitude that too often accompanies it hardens and narrows minds, and the resulting point of view can damage those children.

We probably can’t rid society of the word, but let’s at least put it in its proper place. Label the parents who abandon, abuse, ridicule their children. Surely people who viciously and purposely harm their offspring are not truly “legitimate” parents. Attach the stigma, the title, the word to them, not blameless children.

Each of us is a legitimate human being. We must ensure that all children receive in thought, word, and definition their innate and entitled blessing of complete authenticity.

Not content merely to change your language? Can you “Answer the Call” and give a child a loving family? There are currently about 129,000 children in foster care in the United States that would love a permanent place to call home—and someone to call Mom and Dad. Check out:

National Adoption Awareness Month

Child Welfare Information Gateway

Adoption.org